film, and the art of remembering

Three years ago my dad passed away.  We celebrate his life every year.  He taught me so much in the way he lived those last few years, and through his death.  To not be concerned with possessions because you can’t take them with you.  To do what you want to do now because life is short.  I remind myself each day how quickly life passes by.  Although it is difficult and something I am forever working towards, I try to remember to live in each moment and be present.  I think this sums it up best: 

“Your absence has gone through me 

Like thread through a needle. 

Everything I do is stitched with its color.”   W.S. Merwin

Each year we celebrate at the beach where we spent many family vacations and each year we luck out with the most delightful weather.  I took on his love for photography after he passed, and recently delved into the beauty that is film.  Here’s how we spent our day together this year, flooded with peacefulness, and carrying along my Nikon f100 with some Fuji pro 400h film:

the rut (Sonoma | Napa County lifestyle wedding photographer)

I think as humans we all find ourselves in this place from time to time, you know, the Rut.  With all the life changes and struggles we’ve had over the last 8 months it’s no surprise that somewhere around December I found myself there. Was I a good enough mom? Was I a good enough wife? Was I a good enough photographer? Was I a good enough human?  I had been wandering around since July with a heavy burden of resentment and anger.   To make a very long story short, an incident happened which resulted in my husband losing his job and subsequently because of the field of work he is in, having to take a new job and move away from us.  We all struggled.  I held a huge ball of anger within me towards the man who had fired him.  It was an anger I never felt before and all the sadness we felt being torn apart from my husband and every tear my kids shed in his absence fueled that anger.  Until one day, when I asked myself, was I good enough?  What I found wasn’t really the answer I expected.  All that anger I carried was affecting every part of my life.  Every part of it was in this rut.  I knew I had to let go to move forward.  I admitted for the first time that what we were going through was HARD.  And that no, I can’t really handle it by myself.  Once I decided I needed to let go, I started seeing the signs around me.  A facebook post by a friend:

– that right there, spoke to me (thanks Shannon).  Sometimes things enter our awareness at the exact right moment.  Within a week my husband handed me this poem by Lauretta P Burns:

“As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

And I knew it was the beginning of my letting go.  Once I did, life moved forward.  We were no long stagnant in our situation.  We moved, and are all together now.  I’m finding what makes me a better person, a better mom.  More sleep, more presence, less “likes” on facebook.  I’m cleaning things up.  Wondering where my un-inspiration was coming from on the creative front, I realized I need to actually not look at anyone else’s work (photography).  I also realized film gives me freedom.  Weirdly, limiting myself to 36 exposures that I can’t run home and download is freeing beyond belief.  I’ve learned my limits and have turned down work that’s not a good fit, or that makes me feel rushed.  This is what I love: I love working with Jodi.  Jodi is a good and inspiring person, in the way she lives and in the way she photographs.  Weddings with Jodi are here to stay.  I would love to move towards shooting exclusively film in my other sessions outside of weddings, and these sessions will be done on a very limited basis and will probably attract a very limited audience (I’m guessing), but that’s ok with me.  I love that I accomplished what I set out to do when I decided to teach myself photography: photograph my kids better.  By better I mean just as they are, but being able to capture the image the way I see it by shooting manually.

We are starting anew and I am so flooded with happiness.  I’m sharing this because I found my way through this rut, and I want to remember what it felt like to be in it.  Maybe this will help someone else too. 

Get out there and find your happy.